Creativity

I want to write something, but I haven't the slightest idea what, so I'm just going to start and see where it goes.

...I've got nothing...

Umm...ok! Here's one!

I'm thinking of changing my major. In the Spring, I'll be changing taking two computer science classes to get a real taste of what that's like, and if that goes well, Fall 2010 will very likely find me a CS major. So that's nifty. Interesting at least.

This semester's going way better than the last two. The ability to walk around campus, to campus, home from campus, into Oakland, around town, whatever, is certainly helping. =) I have however found that my leg strength has been depleted in that my capacity to take on stairs is quite diminished, especially since I no longer like to use the stairs in Wean.

There's a weird story. Earlier this year there was a suicide in the one staircase where that's feasible. However, all the staircases feel the same. Dark-ish, very spiral-y, cement and cinder blocks with metal railings. Since the suicide I think I've used any of the stairs in Wean...twice? Both times when it was much after the incident, and only when friends I didn't want to inform about my odd aversion to the stairs decided we should take them up one floor.

It's been interesting trying to avoid taking the elevators just one floor...cause that's douche-y if you don't have a legit reason (and I don't count a weird phobia as a legit reason) So I've been planning my routes carefully, which isn't difficult since I had to do that all of last year to avoid all stairs completely. Now it's just normal to avoid those stairs and I don't really need them. I think my route around them is more efficient anyway.

I've also been feeling especially lonely and sad lately, a lot last week. It may have been the stress of three exams last Friday coupled with starting birth control screwing with my hormones, but it still sucked. I think I cried every night. Just when I was alone and I listened to music and every song was reminding me of someone or something I missed. A lot of Lyle Lovett, which reminds me of home, and Crash Test Dummies, which reminds me of what Sunday mornings were when I was a kid, and Absolutely (Story of A Girl) which reminds me of the person I miss more than anything else, and BB Mack's Back Here, which reminds me of the summer we met.

Facebook is a wonderful thing, it lets people keep in touch. But it also lets you see what you're missing. Friends in other states making new friends, making new jokes, going new places, doing new things...without you. Not that I begrudge anyone their fun or new experiences. It just feels lonely out here sometimes, not knowing exactly what's going on, not hearing all the stories.

Maybe it's better that way. Maybe this way when we get together we'll have things to talk about. "So what did you do? Who did you meet? Where did you go?" But by Christmas, things that happened last week will be forgotten, and not get mentioned. Not be important or recent enough to have significance for the person they happened to for them to remember to relate the story.

Maybe it's my fault for not asking more questions, sending more emails, commenting, poking or wall posting on Facebook. But hey, I'm busy too. Maybe not on adventures, maybe not feeling upset at my school's rules, just...doing homework. But those are excuses. It's probably my fault...or both of our faults. Or who the hell knows or cares?

Here's the point: I miss my friends. Even the ones who are here at CMU but are off having grand adventures without me. I'd say there are four people I am in constant contact with right now. One because she's my roommate, one because he's my boyfriend, one because she's my mother, and one because...I guess because he's House to my Wilson, and you just can't shake that kind of a relationship.

The rest of the world seems to have gone off without me. Even my roommate sometimes seems to be doing her own thing a lot of the time. I don't get calls, texts, emails, whatever, from anyone. No ''hey, we should hang out this weekend." No "hey, I was doing such and such and I thought of you" (actually that happened once, but you get the point)

But I do that to other people. My "we should have lunch some time"s get brushed off with "yeah...schedule...we should try to plan something" and then...nothing. A "hey I was thinking of you today, I miss you" gets a response of..."oh, I miss you too. Let's hang out over winter break!" and then nothing. Barely a "how's life going?"

Do I expect too much of my friends? I told myself I wouldn't try to give as much to the world this year because I never get it back, but it's hard to do, you know? It's hard to stop loving your friends and missing them. It's hard to stop trying to see them. It's certainly getting easier to give up with every un-responded to text or email, every reached out hand that isn't taken.

So what do I do? Stop trying? I like to think that that would work out for the best, just like everything else, but it's hard to believe that friendships are like ladybugs. Falling asleep in the grass will not have me wake up to find them crawling all over me. Relationships need time and work put in, but damnit it can't work one way!

So I guess the only thing to do is in fact to give up. Anyone who cares can find me now. I'm pretty close to done putting myself out there for other people. There are a few I'll still try with, those who I see often enough for it not to be too much work, but I'm just tired. Perhaps a nap in the grass is a good idea.

Unfortunately, this was my theory on all of this earlier in the year. And now I find it's pretty lonely all by my onesie. Yes. Rich is here. And no, we're not having problems, we're actually super happy, but that only goes so far. So we'll see how it goes in the future, and I'll try to keep myself busy enough with tv and music and school that I don't notice. And I'm going to hope last week was just a hormonal and stressed induced fluke and that that won't happen anymore.

P.S. An interesting related note: I have found myself increasingly connected with one person I've always wished to be closer with. We don't talk much more than we used to, but our communications have been out of necessity of information and a shared bond to a third party who we fear we will be lost without. So we cling to each other. It hasn't been discussed, and I don't know if she feels the same way, but I do feel like we're helping each other.

Anyway, that's all I've got for now. Time for some rest.

May the ladybugs find you, asleep or not.