Err....hello again

Sorry about the crazy length of the last one, but it's been awhile and a lot was on my mind.

And the post was titled Creativity for a reason. I had it in my head that I was going to talk about how I missed drawing and all that, but I got side tracked. And doing homework tonight I hit a wall. And got frustrated to the point of wanting to cry, so I'm gonna write instead, and then maybe go draw, or just go to bed depending on how long I spend on this.

I'd leave school in a minute if I had a legit alternative. Could be more school, but in something I cared about, or studying as an apprentice or a job in something I liked. But that's not going to happen. And it's bumming me out.

Part of me really wants to keep doing this, and go on to be something cool and make a lot of money, but another part of me wishes I could just leave it all and go teach myself to sew and be a waitress or something and just get by but do what I want.

It's interesting to ponder the freedom aspect of that. If I had a ton of money, I'd be able to live like I'd like and have nice things and have my hobbies, and that's freeing because it ensures I'm able to take care of financial responsibilities, but I'm stuck then in doing something less than ideal. Whereas in a more bohemian-arty life I'd be able to do what I want. And without a drug problem I wouldn't have that as a constraint...so there's a plus.

I don't think I have the courage to do that, and I'd feel bad for all the shit my mom's done for me that would be wasted. So hell, I'll just keep going. Differential equations and matrix algebra will be dealt with and I'll go do my cool CS stuff and be happier...? and then I'll have money and sew then.

I hate that not giving up feels like giving up.